I’ve only been in Bloomington for a year. I always kinda knew we’d be leaving soon, so I’ve made pathetically little effort to put down roots. Now that we’re leaving, I feel a little bit like I’ve met a really cool person at a party, but I don’t expect to see him/her again.
For those who haven’t been here, Bloomington is a quintessential college town: tree-lined, bike-friendly, with quirky little restaurants and bookstores. It has an arts scene, a Tibetan monastery, a great public library, and health food. It’s really a nice place.
Some time ago I drew up a list of proposed ordinances for the Bloomington City Council … just a few nips and tucks to the law, to make life here a little more perfect. Here they are, as a parting tribute to the town I never quite got to know.
PROPOSED BLOOMINGTON ORDINANCES:
1. Pedestrians carrying organic groceries in a reusable canvas bag shall have the right of way at all four-way intersections.
2. Priuses shall have the right of way at all four-way intersections.
3. Students violating the noise codes with lame music of their own generation shall be fined $100. Students violating the noise codes with lame music from previous generations shall be assessed a fine of $300.
4. Demonstrators shall make a good-faith effort to avoid hackneyed slogans. Toward that end, demonstrators shall use no chants of the “Hey Hey, Ho Ho,” or “What Do We Want? When Do We Want It?” variety.
5. Persons attending a Bladder Buster shall not have in their possession catheters, coffee cans, Stadium Pals or similar devices.*
6. Students shall not mix beer and liquor. Violations shall be punishable by headache, nausea, and dizziness.
7. The number of cell phones in use at a restaurant table shall not exceed the number of persons seated at that table.
*The Bladder Buster is an institution at certain local bars. At a particular time, say, 9 pm, beer prices are slashed to 25 cents … UNTIL a patron uses the bathroom. You can imagine the suspense. The displays of endurance. The sheer entertainment value. And no, I’m not making this up.